A Celibate Sex Addict... What?
DISCLAIMER... I am about to reveal so real stuff in the reading below. This is MY hiatus and I do what I want to do so, if you don't like it... stop reading... now!
We all encompass multiple thoughts and characteristics that complete us, thus creating a unique identity. Let's take me for example. I am indeed a strong will, beautiful (from the inside out), Christian female. But, that is not ALL that I am. I too appreciate affection and adoration from my companion. ...I know you are thinking... what does that mean...
I was tryna BS around it but I love SEX! I know what you are thinking, "She say she a Christian and she loves sex? What does that mean?". My point exactly! I am currently practicing celibacy. It has been quite awhile since I have acted on any sexual desire (with another person ;o)). This is the reason for this entry. More than ever I have learned that SEX does mean a great deal to me. The catch... the right person. I have enough self-restraint to wait until I know that I know that I know Mr. Right has entered my life. Then reality sets in... as a Christian I should save myself for my 'husband' not boyfriend, that I think I am madly in love with. I know but my feelings are my feelings. Believe me! I am getting them out right now. Let me start from square one...
You are about to learn quite alot about me but... that's the whole point of this right? I was not sexually active until the age of 18. I had a boyfriend since 16, but let's face it.. you cannot miss what you have never had! When we became sexually active it was a little weird at first. I mean, I wasn't use to it so it freaked me out. I had dibbled and dabbled with oral sex (which was a turn on from both ends of the spectrum). We continued dating (we were engaged as well) for about 2 years. I then met another guy who I dated and began a sexual relationship with. The only interesting thing he taught me about sex was how to have it over and over again with no inhibitions. I was too young to realize that it was not good at all. The only positive thing that came from the relationship was my son. I am being honest. So let's fast forward to 24 (last year). I had been with a few people, enjoyed decent sex, but I wouldn't say that I was a sex addict. Then it happened...
I met him... and whew (and I am not talking about the name of the support group I founded)! I have never ever, EVER craved sex like I did with this person. We clicked perfectly! The bedroom, kitchen, bathroom, car,... every where. My body craved his at one point. The only problem with him was that he was ... a married (supposedly going through a divorce), father of two (one whom he neglected to claim at any givin time), who smoked and dranked (excessively), with a beat up ride (if you don't want much for you, how are you going to want something for me), who had no ambitions and was content with were he was in life. Let me tell you something... though I adore sex... I will never ever EVER pay the bills! So... I let him go.
I can honestly say, that relationship taught me more about sex in five months than 6 years of having it. I had my first 'real' orgasm. I began to adore oral sex more than ever. I made fantasies that were once locked up in my brain come true. I embraced my body more. I learned to feed off of my partners body. I eventually got really in to porn, toys, and strip clubs (the ladies were my fav.). (I am keeping it real! Judge me if you wish but, I wasn't then and is not now ashamed of my past) I was into...you know... the usual sex idols. I worshiped them(I am being honest). My girlfriends would tease me becuase the guys at the sex shop knew me by name. I had all kinds of gadgets and toys. I would really get into it. Then... slowly... I began to change my life and live for Christ. It was extremely hard at first. I would leave Sunday service and drop off a DVD at the Flick Spot. Until one day I stopped. I decided to become celibate and really focus on me.
Why did I live that way? I got life twisted. I began to confuse the act of sex with love. The two are separate entities. I realized that God's love was the most important. I also began to understand that he was my creator as well and he instilled the sexual desires in me for a reason. To fulfill and satisfy my husband. I am still waiting... I will be honest! I take everything one day at a time.
We all encompass multiple thoughts and characteristics that complete us, thus creating a unique identity. Let's take me for example. I am indeed a strong will, beautiful (from the inside out), Christian female. But, that is not ALL that I am. I too appreciate affection and adoration from my companion. ...I know you are thinking... what does that mean...
I was tryna BS around it but I love SEX! I know what you are thinking, "She say she a Christian and she loves sex? What does that mean?". My point exactly! I am currently practicing celibacy. It has been quite awhile since I have acted on any sexual desire (with another person ;o)). This is the reason for this entry. More than ever I have learned that SEX does mean a great deal to me. The catch... the right person. I have enough self-restraint to wait until I know that I know that I know Mr. Right has entered my life. Then reality sets in... as a Christian I should save myself for my 'husband' not boyfriend, that I think I am madly in love with. I know but my feelings are my feelings. Believe me! I am getting them out right now. Let me start from square one...
You are about to learn quite alot about me but... that's the whole point of this right? I was not sexually active until the age of 18. I had a boyfriend since 16, but let's face it.. you cannot miss what you have never had! When we became sexually active it was a little weird at first. I mean, I wasn't use to it so it freaked me out. I had dibbled and dabbled with oral sex (which was a turn on from both ends of the spectrum). We continued dating (we were engaged as well) for about 2 years. I then met another guy who I dated and began a sexual relationship with. The only interesting thing he taught me about sex was how to have it over and over again with no inhibitions. I was too young to realize that it was not good at all. The only positive thing that came from the relationship was my son. I am being honest. So let's fast forward to 24 (last year). I had been with a few people, enjoyed decent sex, but I wouldn't say that I was a sex addict. Then it happened...
I met him... and whew (and I am not talking about the name of the support group I founded)! I have never ever, EVER craved sex like I did with this person. We clicked perfectly! The bedroom, kitchen, bathroom, car,... every where. My body craved his at one point. The only problem with him was that he was ... a married (supposedly going through a divorce), father of two (one whom he neglected to claim at any givin time), who smoked and dranked (excessively), with a beat up ride (if you don't want much for you, how are you going to want something for me), who had no ambitions and was content with were he was in life. Let me tell you something... though I adore sex... I will never ever EVER pay the bills! So... I let him go.
I can honestly say, that relationship taught me more about sex in five months than 6 years of having it. I had my first 'real' orgasm. I began to adore oral sex more than ever. I made fantasies that were once locked up in my brain come true. I embraced my body more. I learned to feed off of my partners body. I eventually got really in to porn, toys, and strip clubs (the ladies were my fav.). (I am keeping it real! Judge me if you wish but, I wasn't then and is not now ashamed of my past) I was into...you know... the usual sex idols. I worshiped them(I am being honest). My girlfriends would tease me becuase the guys at the sex shop knew me by name. I had all kinds of gadgets and toys. I would really get into it. Then... slowly... I began to change my life and live for Christ. It was extremely hard at first. I would leave Sunday service and drop off a DVD at the Flick Spot. Until one day I stopped. I decided to become celibate and really focus on me.
Why did I live that way? I got life twisted. I began to confuse the act of sex with love. The two are separate entities. I realized that God's love was the most important. I also began to understand that he was my creator as well and he instilled the sexual desires in me for a reason. To fulfill and satisfy my husband. I am still waiting... I will be honest! I take everything one day at a time.
posted by CRay at 1:03:00 AM
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